I don't believe I'd ever watched Rude Dog when I was a kid so when my friend decided to purchase a tape (for old time's sake or maybe he likes pain, I dunno), I was all riled up and ready to go!! Actually, I had heard the cartoon was total shit and was hoping it would be at least bad enough that it would be fun mocking it. After noting from the back of the tape cover that 'Rude Dog and the Dweebs is © Sun Sportswear Inc.' we popped the sucker in and got ready to get...er...rude...I guess.

AND, OH, WHAT FUN WE HAD!! Yes, I started a sentence with 'and' but your mother has a stupid face, so we're even. Here's what Rude Dog is about. Rude Dog is this stupid (or maybe he is rude, HMMMMM???) dog voiced by Rob Paulsen ("Hello, I do Yakko’s voice on Animaniacs! Also, I have no shame!") with this really shitty Brooklyn accent that makes me want to go off mass murdering Italian-Americans for inspiring some idiot into thinking that the accent was a good idea. Unfortunately, to be fair, I'd have to kill half of myself, which would make the rest of my murdering spree all the more difficult...but I digress (not in public though). So about the damn show!

Rude Dog hangs out in a garage (mm?) with a bunch of other dogs that aren't called dogs for some odd reason. Instead, they're called Dweebs (MM?!). The weirdest thing about this is that it isn't just a pet name that Rude Dog has bestowed upon them. Quite the contrary! They are actually world-renowned as Dweebs! In one episode, they had to sneak into a museum because there was a sign that said no Dweebs were allowed inside. All other dogs, yes, but not these fuckers! However, Rude Dog isn't a Dweeb so that means he can get in?! If I was the museum curator, I'd definitely ban Rude (buy our clothes) Dog from getting in! I mean look at the guy's name! You know he's gonna start shit! Not to mention, he's got all those goddamned Dweebs with him! What the hell is a Dweeb anyway?!! Some really, really, really inbred dog? That's all I can think of. One of them that looks especially inbred is this girl dog with a really long face and a mouth that is VERY ODDLY PLACED FOR A DOG. I mean, really, what the hell is with that?! It was bugging me the whole time! Also, she’s purple.

I still haven’t really talked about the show that much as I have this tendency to go off on tangents randomly (and what's the deal with airline food?!) but there's little more to the actual setup of the show. As I said, Rude Dog and the Dweebs hang out in a garage. The Dweebs do stupid shit and then Rude (buy our clothes) Dog tells them why they are so damned stupid and how they should be doing stuff. The worst part about this is that Rude Dog often feels the need to share his wisdom with you, the viewer, as well as his Dweeb brethren. This means he turns to the camera (yeah, I know there's no actual camera because it's a cartoon but you shut up) and says something in his wonderfully irritating accent. Usually his little soliloquy is something about how damned stupid the Dweebs are. Here's some examples: "Dweebs are like havin' buttsex and getting' poop on ya dick!" or "When it comes ta Dweebs, ya have ta realize that the crack may be tainted!" or "When ya dealin' wit Dweebs, they's is stupid because they's is Dweebs and Dweebs are not smart cuz they stupid! Dweebs is".

The only other things that are part of the setup in the wonderful world of Rude Dog are the opposition to Rude Dog and his Dweeby companions. This opposition comes in the form of, one, a cat who is apparently not scared of dogs (maybe because they are Dweebs and never called dogs? HMM!!!!) and therefore picks on the Dweebs and, two, a dog catcher and a stupid dog who keep trying to apprehend Rude (buy our clothes) Dog and the Dweebs but really suck at it. I really hate the dog that hangs out with the dog catcher and here's why. You know how Astro on The Jetsons talked? In that stupid scruffy, slightly difficult to understand voice? Well, I'm not saying Astro was a fucking genius but at least the guy was talking when he actually had to say something. This dog not only has a similar (and probably more difficult to understand) voice to Astro but he pretty much doesn't say anything except a repeat of what the dog catcher says. Basically, it looks like this; Dog Catcher: "We hafta go catch those Dweebs because they slept with mah wife!" Stupid Idiot Fuckdog: "Rah, we haffa go caf dose Dwee beca dey swep wif yar wahhh!!!". Remember, this occurs for roughly every line the dog catcher speaks. Do you smell the fun? Mm mmm!!! Smells good and burnt to me!

One thing I do have to give that dog is the fact that he's voiced by Dave Coulier. That's right, Dave Coulier, the guy who was Uncle Joey on Full House and had that other show where he overused the phrase "Cut...it...out!" to the point where you wanted to stab him in the eye (the show might have even been named Cut It Out but I don't remember). This guy is great just because, well, he's Dave Coulier. He's washed-up now, snorts a lot of coke (allegedly), and I hear he's a real asshole in person but, damn! What a guy! You know he never dropped that "cut it out" bullshit either?! In fact, he even named his site after it! I didn't look around on it too much but I did notice The Dave Coulier Show in which Dave interviews people who were once famous like he. Funny thing is, it doesn't appear to really be a show. It's just him talking on the phone with people and then trying to type it up at a mile a minute. Them tape recorders is expensive! Here is an excerpt from his thrilling interview with Bob Saget (yes, they did used to work together!):

Dave: You're originally from Philly, right?

Bob: Yes sir. I was born in Philadelphia and at a year old I moved (with my family) to Norfolk, Virginia, where I lived until I was 14.....this won't take too much longer... light up a cigarette though....

Dave: I can't type with a straight face. You're making me laugh.

GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BOB SAGET, YOU CRAZY BASTARD! Hey, I just noticed that two of the other interviews (out of about five) are also with people who were on Full House! Doesn't that just scream pathet-professional?! Answer: Yes! Dave Coulier, your name will live on long after you die from an overdose (also allegedly). Hey, think he was sniffing coke during his Rude Dog days? Probably! That Dave Coulier sure loves his coke (allegedly also)! Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, that crappy show.

Now, the Rude Dog tape my friend bought was a whopping hour and a half long (a bit over that actually). That's three full episodes of Rude (buy our clothes) Dog and then some! Now if you think we watched the whole thing, you're out of your bloody gourd. This show is a painfully slow roller coaster ride through a hell of crappy animation, shoddy storylines, and annoying voice acting (by the way, besides Rude Dog's Brooklyn accent, roughly every Dweeb's voice is some horrendous impersonation of an actor/actress/stereotype...woo). However, I will tell you a little bit about what I have not been successfully able to block out thus far. I'm not gonna go into too much detail here though as this review is already hella long and I generally try to recollect as little of this show as I can if I possible.

The one episode I can call up clearly is the one in which the Dweebs gather up the courage to ask Rude Dog for a pet ("Hi! We're all dogs already, GOD DAMMIT"). Rude Dog first gives them some insight, as well as us in the audience who are lucky enough to catch the wisdom which flows from Rude Dog's mouth like lard from a fat guy hooked up to a lipo-suction machine ("The Dweebs is stupid becuz dey wanna pet, ya know? Hey, I am Rude (buy our clothes) Dog!"). Then he breaks down and tells them they can have a goldfish. Aww, Rude Dog. You're all heart and sportswear.